Kill all the Lawyers

In two months it will be the second anniversary of my lockdown sentence.  On March 2nd 2019, the much revered National Health Service, wrote to me personally, advising me that I was “special” inasmuch as I am very old and diabetic, therefore I was considered vulnerable in the scheme of the worldwide pandemic called COVID-19!

Well I’ve always known that I was special but I also felt far fitter than most 83 years old veteran.  I’d taken my type 2 diabetes by the throat by both diet and exercise and after 3 long term average blood tests had been around 4.2%.  Normal non-diabetics are anything under 5.7%.  Hence my wonderful Diabetes Specialist Nurse told me that I am no longer diabetic and I no longer need medication.

However for someone who considers himself reasonably smart, I can also be very dumb.  I made the mistake of showing the letter to my darling wife of 60 plus years.  This is the wife who is also my medication supervisor and who had congratulated me for beating diabetes.  She had no longer perused the letter than I was “Confined to Barrack” on her orders, for 15 months.  By the time my sentence was over I had also had my first two Pfizer Vaccinations, I’d done a lot of writing of mostly blogs and newspaper articles, plus many letters of complaint to anyone who upset me, especially politicians and local councillors (they only think they are politicians), anyway by the time that I had been released from confinement I should have been a happy bunny but I’m not!

I’m grumpy and getting grumpier by the day mostly spurred on by my short term memory, things like forgetting where I’ve put things when I’m certain that I put them in a safe place and then can’t find them!  My wife insists that she hasn’t moved them!  I’m beginning to wonder if she’s not trying to send me loopy so she can get “power of attorney” whatever that is, but bless her she’s as forgetful as I am!  A month ago I decided that it would be a great idea to buy a number of reading glasses to leave in appropriate places around the house so I am always able to put my hand on a pair when needed.  A month later, gone, they have all disappeared into thin air.

So I clicked on “Buy Again” on Amazon Prime and next day, five identical pairs of reading specs were delivered.  I felt like Shylock when I coveted them in their original packaging and popped them under my favourite recliner, where I seem to spend rather a lot of time these days.  Two days later I can’t find them!  I didn’t mention the disappearance to my wife, that would only confirm hers suspicions.  Over a week after they went missing, I discovered them still wrapped in their original packing, in a desk drawer in my upstairs office. . . . . . . Poltergeist??

Even outside of Lockdown I’m an avid reader and will virtually read anything, so much so that my aforementioned, lovable wife, insists that our breakfast cereals are kept in various Tupperware boxes to stop me being distracted at the breakfast table, Hmmph!   I have two Kindle Paperwhite Readers so that I have two different books on the go at the same time and switch when the mood takes me.  My Kindle library has 860 in it.  I found myself reading Shakespeare’s Henry VI Part 2 – To quote “The first thing we do, is kill all the lawyers”.   My strange sense of humour told me “What a perfect title for my next blog”.  So this one is pro bono but to upset the lawyers rather than killing them.

I don’t know about you but after 2021, I need cheering up, so today, New Year’s Day there will be no whistleblowing, unless it’s to welcome in 2022 in the hope that it will be better than 2021.  No fish fights between Salmond and Sturgeon, in fact no politics, no horsemeat, no windfarms, no global warming.  No E.U., no Boris, no Starmer, no Blair and that’s very difficult considering today’s news.  No B.B.C., no Guardian, no Owen Jones, no N.H.S. nor even Jimmy Saville, who by the way is still dead!

Today, there will just be a smile as we look forward to a year that just cannot be as bad as the last two.  You will have gathered that I have a strange sense of humour, so let’s upset the Lawyers as I promised

. . . . . . . . A Solicitor parked his brand new Porsche 911 in front of his office in order to show it to his colleagues

As he was getting out of his car still looking at the beautiful silver paintwork, a lorry came speeding around the corner, too close to the kerb and took off the door of the Porsche, before failing to stop and speeding off.

Distraught the Solicitor grabbed his mobile and called Police. . . . . . . . Five minutes later the Police arrived. . . . . . . .  I did say this is only a story!

Before the Policeman could say anything the Solicitor start screaming hysterically, ” My Porsche, my beautiful brand new, silver Porsche.  It’d ruined.  No matter how long it’s at the repairers, it will nver be the same again.

He stopped to take a breath having finished bleating but close to tears!  The Policeman shook his head in disgust saying, “I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are” he said ” You lot are so focussed on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your lives”

How can you say such a thing at a time like this? sobbed the Porsche owner.  The Policeman said “Didn’t you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?”

The Solicitor looked down in horror, “F**ing Hell” he screamed “Where’s my Rolex?” ????

Did you know that SOLICITOR is an anagram of CLITORIS? Well nearly and it should be!

Anyway, forward and onward into a New Year, my 86th year and can I tell you some stories?  Providing they aren’t where did I put things or what day it is!  Happy New Year!  God Bless! Stay Safe!

About Jake

Long retired travel writer, author and freelance journalist. Educated at Wolverton Grammar and Greenwich Naval College. Happily married since 1958, with a married son and daughter, a married granddaughter and an adult grandson. Hobbies rock-climbing, dinghy racing and ocean racing. Still regularly working out in the gym.
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